Parental pressure and career happiness!
Back in October, I wrote an article about How not to become a university ‘drop-out’, and within it, discussed pressure. In particular, how much pressure is too much pressure?
I see it in every school and every university; students who just feel overwhelmed by the pressure they feel to perform well, and to choose a career that will bring them success. And while some of that pressure will come from teachers, and some from within yourselves, there is no doubt that much of the pressure you think you are under, comes from parents.
And so I thought it might be worth having a quick think about what this pressure really is, where it comes from and whether it's real.
You see, in my 25 years of interacting with parents and students, I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to a parent who actually came out and said “I want my child to be successful”, “I want them to max out their potential in exams” and certainly not “I want them to earn lots of money”.
Sure, they say and do things that would suggest they want these things. Like when they ask “Which is the best university for my child to go to?” or “What careers can students do after studying, and how much do they earn?”. But they don’t actually say in black and white that they want their child to be successful.
So what do parents really want?
Well, to understand why this is, you only have to have the briefest of genuine conversations with any parent about what they really want for their children.
Parents, you see, in the main, actually just want their kids to be happy. There will be some cultures where it’s harder to unearth this than in others, but it's true.
They just want you to be happy.
But the big problem is… in terms of careers, parents don’t actually know what will make their children happy. So, when it comes to planning your future, instead of focusing on really understanding your motivation, passions, strengths etc. they focus on the simple things that they think will make you happy. Like a good, established, safe career; where you have good prospects and will be well paid. In short; something they understand.
It’s entirely natural. Your parents want you to be safe and secure, physically and financially. They want you to have the same security they did, or in many cases, they want you to have more.
The cliche is that they want you to have all the things they never had. Of course they do; we live in a capitalist society where growth is everything. Every generation has to be wealthier and more secure than the one before.
But will a successful career make you happy?
Of course it won’t. A quick look at the long established (and generally accepted) Maslow’s hierarchy of needs gives an insight into what is really important for humans once our physiological and safety needs are met.
Clue: it is about personal connections, family, self-esteem, and more. These can be connected to your career, but not in the way that we typically define career success.
And there is certainly no evidence to say that money or career success in itself will bring us happiness. In The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness authors Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz discuss the findings of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.
There are a three clear findings:
Money will not bring you happiness. Yes, money is important, and it plays a role in bringing us security, safety and control over our lives. But beyond a certain point, there is no correlation between income and happiness. A separate study in the US puts a specific dollar amount on this, and that amount is $75,000 per year. Any more money than this makes no difference to overall happiness.
Career success does not equal happiness. In the study, those with prestigious jobs were simply no happier.
Relationships, however, will bring you happiness. Good relationships, with partners, family and friends, will make you happier. Proper, close, warm relationships where you know people will have your back, will protect both our bodies and our brains, and lead to a healthier, happier life.
And how is this relevant to you?
This is supposed to be a newsletter all about choosing courses and careers, I hear you say, why are you telling us that our career doesn’t matter?
Well, of course your career matters, but if you are feeling an overwhelming pressure to be successful, or have being rich at the top of your priorities, consider this.
Your parents really just want you to be happy. And so, I expect, do you.
And from a career perspective, the best way you can do this is to find a job or career that will pay you enough to be safe and secure. Beyond this, as we know from the previous article about Ikigai, it's about finding something you can work on that you care about, are good at, and that the world needs.
By doing this, you’ll naturally find a career that enables you to build genuine, strong relationships. One where you’ll be working with people you care about; people who have some of the same interests, passions and concerns as you.
Choose an industry, not a job
So here’s a thought: why not start to look for an industry you are interested in, rather than a job.
Lots of people decide on their job first, like accountant, lawyer, journalist or marketer. But what if you found your industry first, so that regardless of what you were doing, you would always be working on something you cared about?
Some people do this by finding a problem to solve; the environment, poverty, injustice, housing or health. Others do this by finding something they want to build or provide for others; fashion, entertainment, sport or fitness.
I did this; choosing education. And over my career in education I’ve been an adviser, a marketer, a tech provider, an administrator, a writer, a podcaster and several more. But because they’ve all been in education, I’ve always been able to work with people who share my passion; who care about the same things that I care about.
So as you think about your career and what you want to study, make sure it's something that you genuinely care about. Because that’s where you’ll meet like-minded people, who you can build genuine relationships with.
Let’s forget the pressure to be successful. Let’s forget the pressure to make lots of money. It’s a false pressure and a lot of the time it does more harm than good.
Focus instead on finding a career that you really care about, where you will find like-minded people and build genuine relationships.
It’ll be good for your health and your happiness, which is ultimately what your parents want too.
