Embracing the super-power of “I don’t know”

😊 Welcome

Three emergency trips to the dentist last week put paid to any chance of me writing anything substantial for #betterunichoices.

So instead of the usual three part email, just a few thoughts that struck me this week, particularly aimed at parents and advisers.

You’ll know that I’m in a handful of applicant, parent and adviser groups on social media. 

In fact I spend far too long on them.

They provide members with an incredible resource to crowd-source a wide range of opinions, get answers to questions, and find out about others' experiences of applying to university. They create a tangible sense of community and camaraderie, as you can see that many others are having similar experiences. And they are an incredible barometer of what people are thinking, asking, and concerned about right now when it comes to university applications. 

But I can’t help thinking that when it comes to parents and advisers, very often there are questions asked that seem, well, a bit much.

Sometimes the questions are simply unanswerable, like “Is course X better than course Y?” or “Everyone else’s daughters have offers, should I be worried that mine hasn’t?”. Sometimes the questions are about things that can be found in seconds on google, like “When do I apply for student finance?”.

Asking such questions is, of course, entirely understandable. Parents can’t possibly be expected to know everything about university admissions.

And advisers? Again, even for those with 20 years experience, it's impossible for you to know the ins and outs of decisions and processes at every university. 

So what can you do?

Well, if there is very basic stuff that you feel you don’t know, but really should, just head to www.ucas.com or www.betterunichoices.com. Things I would put in this category include the process for applying, student finance and deadlines. Get yourself a basic level of knowledge so that you understand the overall decision-making process. You’ll be able to get the low-down on all this in under an hour.

Otherwise, I saw some fantastic advice the other day on LinkedIn from Fred Destin. Through Stride VC he is an investor and supporter of Unibuddy, and his words are always wise.

He says quite simply:

Embrace the super-power of “I don’t know”.

While he wrote this in the context of business leaders, it is spot on for both parents and advisers supporting young people making big life decisions.

Which degree choice will give my student the best career prospects? Which accommodation is best? Which campus will have the better social life? What happens if my student does slightly better in one subject, but worse in another. What happens if they aren’t happy on their course? Is it better to take a year in industry or a year abroad?

These are things that you can simply never know. And that’s OK.

In fact it’s more than OK; it’s a super-power, because you can’t be weighed down by your own opinions or bias.

Instead, you can just be there for your sons, daughters or those you are advising, and listen to their questions and challenges. Then, Fred suggests, you can help them frame their problems and questions correctly, you can provide different perspectives, and you can even help clear the way for great conversations to happen (removing needless complications from the discussion).

But critically, you do not need to answer the questions for them, and you definitely should not be making their choices for them. Give them support and a framework to do their own research, and ensure that they make their own decision. If their choices aren’t their own, they can never have mistakes to learn from. And they can never truly celebrate their successes.

By taking this approach, you’ll actually be helping them become stronger, more independent adults, better-placed to make their way in the world.

So embrace the power of “I don’t know!”

Thanks for reading.

Jonathan