Hold on, but not too tight
During a recent family chat about training for a half-marathon, I asked my sisters if they knew what you were supposed to do with your hands when running. Should you grip your fists like a boxer? Or just let them shake loose?
“Well…”, said the sister who was training, “Apparently you are supposed to pretend you have a piece of paper between your thumb and forefinger, then hold on to it, but not too tight”.
“Hold on, but not too tight?” says my other sister, “That sounds like great advice for pretty much everything!”
And of course, she is quite right.
The most obvious case is probably relationships, especially those we have as teenagers, but that’s not really my specialty.
What is my specialty is choosing and applying to universities. So here are three instances where “hold on, but not too tight” is exactly the right advice.
One for students, one for parents and one for advisers.
Students
You know that course and university you really, really want to go to? The one you have set your heart on since you first started looking? The one that needs you to nail the interview and get exactly the right results in your A-levels?
Yep, that one.
It may be perfectly within reach, or it may be a pretty aspirational choice. But it’s your number one choice. So…
Hold on to that choice. Hold on to that aspiration. Don’t let go of it just because it's hard or because someone else says it’s not achievable.
But… don’t hold on too tight. Don’t convince yourself that it’s the only option. Don’t believe the lie that if you don’t get in, you might as well give up on university altogether.
The truth is that there are countless other options that will serve you just as well, where you will be just as happy and successful.
So, when it comes to your dream university and course choices? Hold on, but not too tight.
Parents
In a recent chat online, about parents’ need for control over their children’s future, one parent I know described letting go as “next level ninja parenting”, because it is simply so hard to do.
But of course parenting is never about letting go. It’s about holding on, but not too tight.
Parents will all have ideas, aspirations, hopes and dreams for their children. You’ve known them since their very first breath. You know their strengths and their weaknesses.
It's even possible that you know them better than they know themselves. So your expectations for them matter.
The trouble is, your children also have their ideas, aspirations, hopes and dreams too.
And when they start to clash with yours? That’s a story as old as time.
So, when it comes to your children, and your expectations of them? Hold on, but not too tight.
Advisers
Whether you’ve supported 10, 100 or 1,000 students on their journey to university, you’ll have built up knowledge and expertise about what normally happens when students apply.
And you’ll have built up a picture of different universities, what they offer for different students, and where you think your students will be best served.
Every year, some of your students will choose to ignore your experience.
They’ll make choices that you think are too ambitious, or not ambitious enough. They’ll choose universities and courses that you don’t think are right for them. And they’ll do this having spent far too little time actually doing their research.
You will, of course, tell them when you think they could be making a mistake. You’ll let them know about options they might not have even considered.
But sometimes they’ll go off, do their thing, and prove you wrong. And when all is said and done, it’s their future, and one way or another, it will work itself out.
So all that knowledge you have about what’s best for your students? Hold on to it, but not too tight!
…
There are of course plenty of instances where “Hold on, but not too tight” is terrible advice.
I live in Bangkok, and if you ever plan on taking a motorbike taxi in this city, the best advice is a bit different: “Wear a helmet and hold on as tight as you can!”
